Bloodline

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Blasphemous Expose’ Claims Catholic Church Knows Jesus Was Just a Man

Sorry, but life’s simply too short for me to waste a lot of time on a movie this ridiculous. If you’re a conspiracy buff who believes The Da Vinci Code, and who wants further proof that Jesus was just a man, then have I got a flick for you.
However, at the outset please allow me to remind you that that blasphemous best seller was roundly ridiculed by both Christian theologians and academic scholars for being riddled with inaccuracies. Nonetheless, it has sold over 50 million copies despite author Dan Brown’s having been forced to admit to lifting his central hypothesis and key plot elements from The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, a book long since exposed as a hoax.
The problems with this laughable documentary are plentiful, starting with its reliance on Holy Blood’s assertion that Jesus was still alive in 45 A.D. as evidence that he wasn’t divine. Building from there, Bloodline’s basic premise is that Christ was not God, but a human who married and had children with Mary Magdalene.
It further asserts that he somehow survived the Crucifixion, and that his wife removed his body from the tomb, thereby tricking his disciples into thinking he had been resurrected. The family then moved to Southern France, where it began the “bloodline” of the royal family, hence the film’s title.
With the help of pretentious experts who decipher codes on ancient parchment and unearth never before seen shrouds, relics and corpses suddenly found in tombs and archaeological digs, all of which just happens to be caught on camera, this expose’ purports to prove all of the above. It’s all obviously nonsense to anyone with an I.Q. higher than room temperature.
Bloodline’s sanest moment arrives when the dissenting voice of a Catholic Cardinal is quoted suggesting that you could learn more about history and theology “by watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Ostensibly-inspired by the success of similarly-concocted schemes like The Blair Witch Project, this transparently phony fairy tale is strictly for the very gullible.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. Or the intelligence either.

Fair (1 star)
Unrated
In English and French with subtitles.
Running time: 108 minutes
Studio: Cinema Libre Studio

Redbelt

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: David Mamet Directs Disappointing Martial Arts Mystery

Perhaps because his directorial debut, House of Games (1987), was one of the best psychological thrillers ever made, we continue to have high expectations of David Mamet over twenty years later. Consequently, a mediocre offering like Redbelt turns out to be a major disappointment, despite the fact that it might be better received coming from someone with a less-regarded reputation.
The picture represents Mamet’s first foray into the martial arts genre, although his character-driven script still boasts the basic trademarks by which the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright’s work is readily recognized. This means the screen is littered with an ensemble of street-savvy con artists delivering raw dialogue staccato-style, all frequently repeating their lines for the effect of emphasis. And among the actors are some familiar faces from the Mamet repertory company, including his wife Rebecca Pidgeon, Joe Mantegna, Ricky Jay and David Paymer.
As usual, the pretzeled plot embroils the players in a complicated caper calling for considerable gray matter to unravel. It’s just too bad that, in this instance, the elaborate scam has so many layers that the audience is likely to tire of the cinematic charade well before the intricate premise has even been completely established.
The story revolves around Mike Terry (Chiwetel Ejiofor), the cash-strapped sensei of a jiu-jitsu dojo located in downtown Los Angeles. He’s a purist who has thusfar staunchly resisted any temptation to fight on the mixed martial arts circuit, preferring to rely instead on financial help from his Brazilian wife’s (Alice Braga) fabric business to keep his fledgling studio afloat.
A disturbing chain of events is triggered the day that a distraught attorney (Emily Mortimer) shows up at the academy unannounced. For Mike’s most promising student, an off-duty police officer named Joe (Max Martini), inadvertently invades the fidgety female’s personal space, not knowing that she’s a recovering rape victim. The paranoid woman reflexively grabs his gun lying on a counter and shoots out the place’s pricy plate glass window. Already behind in rent, now Mike has this added expense to deal with.
Later, at a local watering hole, he instinctively comes to the assistance of a stranger sucker-punched by a bar patron. The grateful victim happens to be a famous movie star (Tim Allen) who befriends the Good Samaritan, has him over to the mansion for dinner and offers to introduce him to some of the movers and shakers in the world of showbiz.
Meanwhile, Mike’s money woes mysteriously mount, so that by the time he finds himself suddenly indebted to loan sharks the question is no longer if, but merely when, he will break his code and finally enter the ring to raise some much-needed moolah. Like an unnecessarily confusing and convoluted cross of Rocky and The Karate Kid, Redbelt is a flick that’s a tad too smart for its own good, given the simple message it is designed to deliver.
I can’t really in good conscience recommend a headscratcher I had such a hard time following myself.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity and violence and drug use.
Running time: 99 minutes
Studio: Sony Pictures Classics

Untraceable DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Diane Lane’s Grisly Cat-and-Mouse Thriller Comes to DVD

FBI Agent Jennifer Marsh (Diane Lane) is a widow who always finds herself apologizing to her young daughter (Perla Haney-Jardine) for putting career before family. Fortunately, grandma (Mary Beth Hurt) comes in handy when Jen and her partner, Griffin (Colin Hanks), have to work overtime tracking down the creep who executed a cat on a website called KillWithMe.com.
Trouble is the sicko is internet savvy, and knows how to prevent the cops from determining his IP address. In addition, every time the authorities shut down his site, he has it back up and running in a matter of minutes.
Worse, it isn’t long before this sadist escalates to humans. Promising that the more people watch, the faster he will die, the next broadcast airs the slow death of a man tied to a rack with the words “KILL WITH ME” carved right into his chest. This development has the cops wondering whether the murder might have been staged. That question is soon answered when his next victim’s (Tim de Zarn) grieving widow tearfully explains that her husband was no kinky sex freak, but had been lured to the torture chamber by a classified ad.
With each ensuing victim, the website’s ratings soar, as more and more viewers tune-in. So, unfolds Untraceable, a compelling, cat-and-mouse caper directed by Gregory Hoblit. Regrettably, this psychological thriller’s well-earned tension is ultimately undone by a practically comical set of improbable developments during the denouement.
Furthermore, praiseworthy acting performances by a capable ensemble headed by Diane Lane and Colin Hanks are all squandered in service of a hypocritical morality play. Is it really ethical for a film to warn of the irresistible appeal of online snuff films while it simultaneously indulges, practically pornographically, in graphic displays of the same sort of kinky perversion?
Unwatchable.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity, torture and grisly violence.
Running time: 101 minutes
Studio: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Cover DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: DVD Mystery Explores Life on the Down-Low

Valerie Maas’ (Aunjanue Ellis) world comes apart at the seams the day she catches her husband, Dutch (Raz Adoti), in the shower naked with another man. She doesn’t buy his “It’s not what it looks like defense,” and realizes she’s been living a lie with a guy who didn’t even use protection while on the so-called down-low.
But before she can figure out how to break the news that daddy is bisexual to their young daughter, Nicole (Tomorrow Baldwin Montgomery), Valerie finds herself behind bars and facing a murder rap. Fortunately, this churchgoing Christian has a strong enough faith to help her bear the burden of being wrongfully accused.
On the way to clearing her name, we’re treated to such silliness in Philly that one has to wonder exactly what’s going on here. For Cover, directed by veteran director Bill Duke, is an unintentionally funny, flashback flick which is practically impossible to take seriously at face value.
For example, one character calls homosexuality a “white disease.” Another, who has AIDS, boasts about secretly “sharing the gift,” meaning having unprotected sex with people who don’t know he’s HIV+, illogically explaining that he’d rather be a monster than honest.
As confusing as it is improbable, this mess of a movie wastes a talented cast which includes Vivica A. Fox, Lou Gossett, Jr., Leon, Patti LaBelle, Paula Jai Parker, Clifton Davis, Roger Guenveur Smith and Mya. However, the goings-on bear such little resemblance to reality, that I was often unsure what genre of movie I was even watching.
A blaxploit? A sci-fi adventure? An out of the closet drama? A whodunit? A genderbending romance? A slapstick sitcom? Likely, a little of all of the above. A disaster which fails miserably in an attempt to address a pressing social issue.

Fair (1 star)
Rated PG-13 for mature themes, profanity, sexuality, violence and drug use.
Running time: 98 minutes
Studio: 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Film Review by Kam Williams



Headline: Sleazy Sequel Pales in Comparison to Laff-a-Minute Original



When Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) burst onto the screen four years ago, we found the nerdy stoners careening all across the State of New Jersey in a weed-fueled haze on a munchies-craving quest to find a White Castle restaurant which was open all night. That irreverent road flick was a laff-a-minute riot funny enough to land on this critic’s Ten Best List for 2004.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Harold & Kumar 2, a pointless downer which fails to measure up to the first either in terms of humor or taste. This is an excellent case study in a sequel’s simply increasing the sleaze factor while pay scant attention to virtually every other aspect of the production.

The picture’s troubles start with the replacement of director Danny Leiner with a pair of first-timers, John Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg. While Messrs. Hurwitz and Schlossberg did create the title characters and write the script for the original, they were very obviously in over their proverbial heads in taking on this new challenge.

Against their better judgment, they opted to skimp in terms of the casting, failing to ask such seasoned comics as Anthony Anderson, Fred Willard, Jamie Kennedy and Bobby Lee, and veteran crowd pleasers like Ryan Reynolds and Luis Guzman to reprise their roles. Another flaw lies in their editing which fails to replicate the first adventure’s madcap pace, almost as if they expect the production to pass muster on the strength of the screenplay alone.

But these haphazardly cobbled together skits prove to be less than compelling. Consequently, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay reads like little more than just a really raunchy variation on Cheech and Chong.

At the point of departure we find the pot-loving protagonists boarding a plane for Amsterdam where they plan to imbibe legally while looking for Maria (Paula Garces), the heartthrob Harold has been admiring from afar. However, when Kumar impatiently decides to get high in the bathroom, an already suspicious passenger mistakes his bong for a bomb.

So, he and Harold are immediately subdued by federal air marshals who figure them for Al Qaida and North Korean terrorists working in concert. They are then shipped off to the infamous Guantanamo Prison, though they make a break for it when forced to fellate their guards. And the chase is on.

Next, they make their way back to the U.S. with the help of a boatload of Cuban refugees, and the balance of the practically-pointless plot puts the freewheeling fugitives in a series of sordid situations dreamt up by the mind of a demented degenerate. The humiliation endured by our hapless heroes ranges from finding goat poop on a pillow to having ejaculation shot into a face to being urinated on by Ku Klux Klansmen to something called a cock meat sandwich.

The film also features prolonged male and female full frontal nudity, a President Bush impersonator smoking weed and that Neil Patrick Harris (aka Doogie Howser) in another cameo.

A crass, classic, take-the-money-and-run ripoff which squanders a golden opportunity to make a statement about racial profiling, the Patriot Act and the Geneva Conventions in favor of serving up a mindless teensploit laced with shockingly-graphic images.



Fair (1 star)

Rated R for profanity, male and female frontal nudity, ethnic slurs, sexuality, crude humor, and drug and alcohol abuse.

Running time: 102 minutes

Studio: New Line Cinema

88 Minutes

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Pacino Stars as Shrink on Run from Sadistic Serial Killer

About ten years ago, Dr. Jack Gramm (Al Pacino) was the key prosecution expert witness whose testimony helped send rapist/serial killer Jon Forster (Neal McDonough) to Death Row. As the notorious “Seattle Slayer” was being led out of the courtroom, he looked the FBI forensic psychiatrist responsible for his conviction straight in the eye and whispered, “Tick-tock, Doc,” a veiled threat that it was just a matter of time before he would exact his revenge.
Fast forward to the present and we find Forster behind bars and all out of appeals. His impending execution is likely to provide a measure of closure to Janie Cates (Tammy Hui), the twin sister of one of his victims (Vicky Huang), plus some comfort to Gramm, now teaching med school, boozing it up and chasing anything in a skirt.
But then, on the eve of Forster’s scheduled execution by lethal injection, the tweedy, tipsy professor finds himself suddenly shaken after receiving a chilling call on his cell phone repeating the familiar “Tick-tock, Doc” refrain. In addition, the electronically-altered voice informs Gramm that he only has 88 minutes to live.
Thereupon, the sinister stalker immediately embarks on a frenetic crime spree, slicing and dicing folks close to the womanizing Dr. Jack in order to implicate him in a series of copycat murders. The enterprising sicko proceeds to wreak additional havoc across the city, eluding a conspicuously-absent police force while blowing up cars, setting fires and running over pedestrians with a motorcycle. Oh, and he also keeps Gramm on speed dial to be able to gloat periodically.
Patently preposterous at every turn, 88 Minutes is more action-packed than the average Bugs Bunny-Road Runner hour, and features cartoon physics which is about as credible. Al Pacino, with the help of a bouncy, blowing, world-class bouffant hairdo, still has the charisma to turn a turkey into a flick that’s almost watchable, if only for the laughs.
Regrettably, a splendid supporting cast topped by Leelee Sobieski, Amy Brenneman. William Forsythe and Alicia Witt finds itself frequently abandoned by a silly script laced with implausible dialogue, lots of illogical plot developments and more smelly red herrings than the Fulton Fish market. I mean, really, how can virtually every character be a prime suspect, including the potential victim himself?
A comical crime thriller where you’re likely to find yourself more amused by the unintentionally funny goings-on than trying to solve the underlying whodunit.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity, disturbing violence and brief nudity.
Running time: 108 minutes
Studio: Columbia Pictures

Street Kings

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Crooked Cops Terrorize L.A. in High-Impact Splatter Flick

It’s never a good sign when a movie makes you laugh out loud at dialogue intended to be taken seriously. But this is exactly the reaction periodically elicited by the unintentionally funny Street Kings, a grisly shoot ‘em up loosely based on a crime yarn by James Ellroy.
The story is set in Los Angeles, and revolves around the goings-on inside a trigger-happy police department so crooked that cops don’t think twice before shooting a perp or even a fellow officer about to break the blue wall of silence. For, they can always count on Captain Biggs (Hugh Laurie), the head of Internal Affairs, to look the other way.
Such is the case with Detective Tom Ludlow (Keanu Reeves), an alcoholic widower working on the vice squad who considers himself above the law. Drinking since his wife’s murder, he has no qualms about unleashing a torrent of expletives and racial epithets in the direction of suspects before blowing them away and planting weapons on their bodies with the help of his boss, Captain Jack Wander (Forest Whitaker).
And why is Wander so eager to cover-up rather than discipline his reckless cowboy? Well, while he freely admits to having designs on a promotion to police chief, he might have another hidden agenda.
Everything comes to a head the day that Ludlow bumps into his estranged former partner, Terrence Washington (Terry Crews), at a convenience store just as a couple of machine gun-toting thugs (Common and Cle Shaheed Sloan) are about to rob the place. When the smoke clears, the gangstas have escaped and Washington and the cashier lay dead.
Although the surveillance camera seems to implicate Ludlow in the killings, Biggs and Wander, curiously, are still willing to clean up the crime scene. So, they reassign the shaken detective to a desk job in the Civilian Complaint Department till the controversy blows over. However, the fidgety cop can’t sit still and so he secretly sets out on his own to find the creeps who committed the crime. And that quest for the truth uncovers a pattern of police corruption all the way to the top calling for a pile of corpses to rid the department of the foul stench.
Street Kings is a disaster for several simple reasons: a preposterous premise, less credible plot twists, too much gratuitous violence, too many ethnic slurs, an absence of likable characters plus another wooden performance from Keanu Reeves, an actor ill-suited for roles calling for him to exhibit a range of emotions. Forest Whitaker proves to be the most noteworthy of a supporting cast which includes Cedric the Entertainer, Jay Mohr, Naomie Harris and hip-hop stars Common and The Game.
But when you have trouble reading a hero’s motivations at every turn, the result is a comical headscratcher like this unmitigated mess.

Fair (1 stars)
Rated R for graphic violence, ethnic slurs and pervasive profanity.
Running time: 109 minutes
Studio: Fox Searchlight

Lions for Lambs DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Robert Redford’s Preachy Anti-War Drama Released on DVD

Directed by Robert Redford, Lions for Lambs is a preachy, anti-Bush polemic which repeatedly advances talking points lifted right out of the liberal playbook. Despite several parallel plotlines and dizzying editing designed to suggest a diversity of opinions, the truth is that the picture is essentially advancing only one point-of-view.
In 25 words or more, the movie seems to be making the point that: “The War on Terror is really over oil and was orchestrated by greedy, power-hungry right-wing neo-cons who’ve used patriotic buzzwords like ‘freedom’ and ‘democracy’ as a smokescreen to dupe idealistic poor kids into enlisting in a military with a disproportionate percentage of minorities in its ranks.”
Even if you agree with that message, you are unlikely to appreciate the ham-fisted fashion in which this flick forces it down your throat.
Redford himself stars as pontificating Professor Stephen Malley, a Vietnam vet who prods his pupils to make the most of their lives. Something in his sermonizing inspires a couple of minority students (Derek Luke and Michael Pena) to enlist to serve on the front lines in Afghanistan. Meanwhile, the classroom remains filled with lazy white guys like Todd (Andrew Garfield), a party animal who could care less about either politics or academics.
The story then abruptly shifts to the Middle East where the soldiers soon land in a prickly predicament when their helicopter is ambushed by the Taliban while on a mission in the mountains. Another scenario unfolds in Washington, D.C., and pits veteran investigative reporter Janine Roth (Meryl Streep) against U.S. Senator Jasper Irving (Tom Cruise). She sees straight through the transparent Republican’s self-serving spin about the goings-on in Afghanistan and refuses to be used as a pawn to propagate a pack of lies.
A simplistic, if well-intentioned, overindulgence in obviousms.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity and violence.
Running time: 92 minutes
Studio: Fox Home Entertainment
DVD Extras: Director’s commentary, several featurettes, previews, and the theatrical teaser and trailer.

Heartbeat Detector (La Question Humaine) FRENCH

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Corporate Psychologist Troubled by Company’s Possible Nazi Past in
Interminable Social Satire

Simon Kessler (Mathieu Amalric) is the staff psychologist working in the Human Resources Department of the French subsidiary of SC Farb, a German petrochemical corporation. His job description involves employee selection with the aim of amassing an army of “highly competitive subalterns.”
However, when it appears that the company’s CEO, Mathias Just (Michael Lonsdale), has begun behaving erratically, the managing director (Jean-Pierre Kalfon) asks the shrink to psychoanalyze their boss. His delicate assignment is to determine whether the aging captain of industry still has the mental capacity to continue running the multi-national operation.
Since this is to be done surreptitiously, Simon resorts to an elaborate ruse insinuating himself so as not to arouse anyone’s suspicion. Eventually, after a very loooooong lead-in, he finds evidence linking Just to unspeakable crimes committed by the Nazis during World War II.
So unfolds the tortoise-paced Heartbeat Detector, a fatally-flawed film which, unfortunately, takes forever to get around to addressing those shocking revelations. Instead, director Nicolas Klotz first devotes over an hour to distracting intimations of office hanky-panky while substituting what looks like surrealistic improv and interpretive dance for plot development.
If the movie was trying to make any thought-provoking social statements bemoaning a corporate philosophy which has minions marching in lockstep or comparing modern business mores to the Holocaust, those allusions were uncovered in far too deliberate a fashion for this critic to appreciate. For by the time the message finally arrived, I had long since been turned off by its overindulgence in inscrutable asides.
A cinematic flatliner that was dead on arrival.

Fair (1 star)
Unrated
In French with subtitles.
Running time: 141 minutes
Studio: New Yorker Films

Love in the Time of Cholera DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Adaptation of Marquez Masterpiece Steamy but Still Unsatisfying

Compromises are in order whenever a novel is being made into a movie, especially a 368-page saga spanning 50 years, which is the case with this literary classic by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It is expected that in condensing this imaginative tale of unrequited love into a film some central characters, major themes and pivotal events might have to be conflated, distilled or eliminated entirely in service of the cinematic medium.
However, director Mike Newell had an additional challenge to confront for in interpreting the book’s magical realism, a style of prose marked by plotlines grounded in reality offset by surreal flights of fancy. Unfortunately, Newell’s relatively-mundane overhaul fails to reflect any of the original work’s fusion of the everyday with the otherworldly. The upshot is that, excised of its evocative aspects, Love in the Time of Cholera lacks charm and reads about the same as your typical romance novel with a hunky Fabio look-a-like splashed across the cover.
The story is set in the City of Cartagena, Marquez’s hometown, and revolves around a classic love triangle. This flashback flick’s practical point of departure is 1879, which is when lowly clerk Florentino (Javier Bardem) first encounters Fermina (Giovanna Mezzogiomo), a blooming beauty with a wealthy, overprotective father (John Leguizamo).
Despite the object of his affection’s initial indifference, Florentino professes his undying devotion, and proceeds to wear the poor girl down with his persistencer. Soon, the two start swapping notes and sharing stolen moments together till her mean daddy catches wind of their puppy love liaison.
He forces Fermina to end her fling with Florentino and then pressures her into marrying wealthy Dr. Juvenal Urbino (Benjamin Bratt). But not even the Urbinos moving overseas can discourage our pigheaded protagonist from impatiently awaiting, for decades on end, the return of the woman he’s convinced was really meant for him.
Regrettably, this sorry interpretation of Marquez, substituting serial coupling and uncoupling and gratuitous nudity for spirituality, merely reduces his masterpiece into little more than a titillating, superficial soap opera.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for sexuality, nudity and brief profanity.
Running time: 138 minutes
Studio: New Line Home Entertainment
DVD Extras: Alternate and deleted scenes with optional commentary, a theatrical trailer, director’s audio commentary, plus “The Making of” documentary

Atonement DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Ambitious Adaptation of Romance Novel Released on DVD

How many times have you heard yourself say that the book was better? Well, despite its seven Oscar nominations, be prepared to add this historical drama to that long list of disappointing screen adaptations. Based on Ian McEwan’s critically-acclaimed romance novel, Atonement is an overly-ambitious adaptation which takes license with conventional, linear storytelling by periodically repeating scenes from slightly different perspectives.
This implausible picture earns higher marks for its visually-stimulating flights of fancy than for its ultimately unsatisfying underlying plotline. Cinematic effects aside, the film is essentially an eventful tale of unrequited love. It all revolves around an incestuous love triangle which tears two sisters apart, ruins a promising young man’s future, and leaves the vengeful, odd-girl out wracked with guilt for the rest of her days.
Set on the sprawling country estate of the Tallis family, this generation-spanning saga opens in England in 1935. There, we find 13 year-old Briony (Saoirse Ronan) devoting considerable time to spying on her big sister Cecilia’s (Keira Knightley) flirtations with their housekeeper’s handsome son, Robbie (James McAvoy).
Although too young to turn his head, the sexually-awakening Briony has a crush on Robbie, too. But because he only has eyes for her sibling, the frustrated voyeur falsely accuses him of rape and he is carted off to prison.
Instead of righting the wrong, Briony lives out her life in the grip of overwhelming regret. Only on her deathbed, does she pull a rabbit out of her hat which conveniently explains why she never tried to clear Robbie’s name. However, that unfair turn of events renders almost meaningless most of what you’ve just emotionally invested a couple of hours. What’s it all about, Briony?
Strictly for the daytime soap opera crowd, its sophisticated pretensions notwithstanding.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity, sexuality and disturbing war images.
Running time: 123 minutes
Studio: Universal Studios Home Entertainment
DVD Extras: Deleted scenes, director’s commentary and two featurettes

College Road Trip

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Raven-Symone’ and Martin Lawrence Co-Star in Coming-of-Age Comedy

When Melanie (Raven-Symone’) gets waitlisted by Georgetown, the school asks her to come to Washington for an interview in three days. So, the high school senior impulsively decides to ride from Illinois to DC with her best friends, Katie (Margo Harshman) and Nancy (Brenda Song), since they’re already planning to drive in that general direction in order to visit the University of Pittsburgh.
However, when Melanie’s overprotective father, Fox Springs’ Police Chief James Porter (Martin Lawrence) catches wind of the impending all-girl road trip, he opts to drive his daughter himself. With days dwindling down before her departure for college, he figures that this will be his last chance to spend a little quality time with Melanie before she moves out of the house.
Besides, the manipulative cop has an ace up his sleeve, namely, an unscheduled pit stop at Northwestern where, with the help of some undercover confederates, he’s hoping to talk his daughter into changing her mind. What James never banked on, however, is that his precocious young son, Trey (Eshaya Draper), would stow away in the car, and bring his pet pig, Arnold, along too.
This kookie cast of characters keeps College Road Trip in motion, one of those wacky misadventures fueled by an ever-compounding comedy of errors. Unfortunately, director Roger Kumble (Cruel Intentions) failed to include any humor aimed at anyone over the age of about five in the film’s formulaic recipe. This is a bit strange given that the movie isfeaturing the theme of going off to college.
Anyhow, before they arrive at Georgetown, the Porters and their anthropomorphic boar get a flat tire, before having their car roll into a ravine. Proceeding on foot, James soon becomes the straight man for all manner of infantile slapstick, from being tasered by a sorority house mother (Kelly Coffield) to falling off a ladder.
Raven-Symone’, at 23, looks a little mature to be playing a high school student. But even more annoying is the casting of Na’Kia Bell Smith as young Melanie in flashback sequences when there must be plenty of file footage of Raven around at the age, given that she has literally grown-up in front of the camera.
More funereal than comical, with a universal message that gets lost in the shuffle. Don’t tase me bro!

Fair (1 star)
Rated G
Running time: 83 minutes
Studio: Walt Disney Pictures

Things We Lost in the Fire DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Halle Berry and Benicio Del Toro Romance Drama Due on DVD

After eleven years of marital bliss, Audrey (Halle Berry) and Steven Burke (David Duchovny) are living the American Dream. The successful architect and stay-at-home mom are in love and sitting in the lap of luxury in a suburban McMansion with a couple of adorable mop-topped kids, Dory (Micah Berry) and Harper (Alexis Llewellyn).
However, this picture-perfect family’s fortunes are irreversibly dashed the day that Steven is slain on the street by a stranger. Given the unanticipated loss of her partner and provider, Audrey suddenly finds herself facing the prospect of both raising the children and meeting the monthly mortgage alone.
Hope arrives where the emotionally-fragile widow least expects it, in the person of Steven’s best friend, Jerry Sunborne (Benicio Del Toro) a homeless heroin addict, Audrey had previously not allowed anywhere around the house.
But she has a change of heart following the funeral, and she allows this chain-smoking junkie to move into the vacant apartment above the garage so long as he attends Narcotics Anonymous meetings and find a job. She also lets him serve as a surrogate dad to Dory and Harper, who miss their father terribly.
A month or so later, we find Jerry cleaned up quite nicely, thank you, and gainfully employed by an affable neighbor (John Carroll Lynch) in the mortgage business. However, the mind-boggling events which unfold in this implausible melodrama are more like a TV soap opera than a legit full-length feature.
This flick occasionally elicits unintentional laughs. For instance, there’s the scene where Audrey asks Jerry for a hit of heroin or this equally-ridiculous exchange right out of a corny romance novel. Audrey: “Am I ever going to feel beautiful again?” Jerry: “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Excuse me, but wasn’t this movie supposed to be about the loss of a husband, not the losing of looks?
It doesn’t get any more shallow than this.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity and pervasive drug use.
Running time: 118 minutes
Studio: Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD Extras: Deleted scenes, audio commentary, theatrical trailer and a featurette.

Be Kind, Rewind

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Jack Black and Mos Def Miss Mark as Fledgling Filmmakers in Ambitious Buddy Comedy

Mike (Mos Def) is the only employee at Be Kind, Rewind, a video rental store located in a rundown section of Passaic, New Jersey slated to undergo urban renewal. His boss, Mr. Fletcher (Danny Glover), has just been ordered by the city to bring the place up to code in 60 days or else face eviction, in which case the building will be condemned, demolished and replaced by upscale condominiums.
Fletcher knows he needs to modernize in order to catch up with his cross-town rival, the West Coast Video chain, if his business is to survive. So he decides to leave town for a few days to do some research on the competition. Unfortunately, this means he must leave Mike in charge for the first time, which is problematical for several reasons.
First of all, Mike isn’t the brightest bulb in the batch, and he tends to mumble when he talks. A bigger issue is the prospect of his best friend, Jerry (Jack Black) hanging around the store. This paranoid loser has a lot of time on his hands and lives in a trailer at a nearby junkyard. Furthermore, he’s convinced that a neighboring electrical plant is controlling his mind.
In Mr. Fletcher’s absence, Jerry soon pressures the readily-suggestible Mike to participate in a cockamamie scheme to short circuit the power station by tossing an anchor into the works. Of course, the plan goes horribly wrong and Mike ends receiving a shock of several thousand volts. This incident leaves him not only dazed and confused, but magnified to the extent that his body now starts sticking to everything from metal street lamps to galvanized steel fences.
The plot thickens the next time he enters Be Kind, Rewind, when his body immediately demagnetizes and erases every videotape on the shelves. It’s not long before people start complaining that the movies they’ve rented are blank. So, the buddies come up with another crazy idea, namely, to re-shoot each film a customer requests. Armed only with a hand-held camcorder, the two are soon on their way to co-starring in low-budget versions of about 200 screen classics, everything from Ghostbusters to King Kong to Men in Black to Driving Miss Daisy to Boyz ‘N the Hood to Lord of the Rings.
Unfortunately, as promising as this premise might read, Be Kind, Rewind fails to measure up to expectations. The poorly-executed recreations of familiar scenes from hit films simply fall flat, since we’ve been too spoiled by the spoof genre to expect much more than this sloppily-mounted mess that wouldn’t measure up favorably to The Little Rascals.
Even the teaming of Jack Black with Mos Def leaves a lot to be desired, as they’ve been abandoned by a rudderless, humorless script written by director Michael Gondry that isn’t funny and seems pointless. The miscast supporting ensemble includes Mia Farrow as an addlepated store regular who stumbles in and out occasionally and eye candy Melonie Diaz as an aspiring actress who is given nothing of interest to do in the picture.
Sadly, nothing can save this overambitious enterprise embarked upon by a couple of idiots, full of sound and fury but ultimately signifying nothing, the flick’s moral pretentions notwithstanding.

Fair (1 star)
Rated PG-13 for sexual references.
Running time: 101 minutes
Studio: New Line Cinema

Cover

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Duplicitous Life on the Down-Low Theme of Murder Mystery

Valerie Maas’ (Aunjanue Ellis) world comes apart at the seams the day she catches her husband, Dutch(Raz Adoti), in the shower naked with another man. She doesn’t buy his “It’s not what it looks like defense,” and realizes she’s been living a lie for years, with a man who didn’t even use protection while on the so-called down-low.
But before she can figure out how to break the news that daddy is bisexual to their young daughter, Nicole (Tomorrow Baldwin Montgomery), Valerie finds herself behind bars and facing a murder rap. Fortunately, this churchgoing Christian has a strong enough faith to help her bear the burden of being wrongfully accused.
On the way to clearing her name, we’re treated to such silliness in Philly that one has to wonder exactly what’s going on here. For Cover, directed by veteran director Bill Duke, is an unintentionally funny, flashback flick which is practically impossible to take seriously at face value.
For example, one character calls homosexuality a “white disease.” Another, who has AIDS, boasts about secretly “sharing the gift,” meaning having unprotected sex with people who don’t know he’s HIV+, illogically explaining that he’d rather be a monster than honest.
As confusing as it is improbable, this mess of a movie wastes a talented cast which includes Vivica A. Fox, Lou Gossett, Jr., Leon, Patti LaBelle, Paula Jai Parker, Clifton Davis, Roger Guenveur Smith and Mya. However, the goings-on bear such little resemblance to reality, that I was often unsure what genre of movie I was even watching.
A blaxploit? A sci-fi adventure? An out of the closet drama? A whodunit? A genderbending romance? A slapstick sitcom? Likely, a little of all of the above. The only thing of consequence I learned was to be wary of any guy who comes up to me and offers to blow a piece of dust out of my eye. Apparently those are code words used by black gays to proposition strangers, wink-wink.
A disaster which attempts to address a pressing social issue, but only fails miserably in the process.

Fair (1 star)
Rated PG-13 for mature themes, profanity, sexuality, violence and drug use.
Running time: 96 minutes
Studio: American Cinema International

Redacted DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Disappointing Brian De Palma Iraq War Drama Out on DVD

Brian De Palma is the latest moviemaker eager to foist a heavy-handed anti-war picture on the public, and frankly some of these shrill screeds are starting to look silly. Shot pseudo-documentary style, but based on actual events, the film is essentially a loosely-connected series of montages revolving around a squad of six GIs manning a roadside checkpoint in Iraq.
The explanation for our being afforded an intimate peek at the soldiers’ mental mindset is that one of them, Angel (Izzy Diaz), has taken to videotaping their day-to-day lives with a hand-held camcorder. This dirty half-dozen is comprised of familiar war flick archetypes, ranging from the grizzled sergeant (Ty Jones) to the bespectacled nerd (Kel O’Neill) to macho dudes in a loose mood (Daniel Stewart Sherman and Patrick Carroll) to the tortured soul (Rob Devaney) with a still-functioning conscience.
The plot thickens when two GIs (guess who?) become horny and depraved enough to rape a 14 year-old. However, the sexual assault goes horribly wrong and leads to their not only murdering the girl but her entire family as well. Of course, the good ole boys responsible cover up the atrocity and prove quite capable of returning to the posts, business as usual, thereby delivering the sobering message that America’s Generation Kill sees the Iraqis they came to save as somewhat less than human.
Unfortunately, Redacted is so laughably unconvincing at every turn that it looks more like a student film in progress than a legit feature. Perhaps De Palma was too blinded by his undoubtedly fervent feelings about the Bush Administration’s bungling of the invasion and occupation to make an honest appraisal of his message movie’s abundance of technical flaws.
Regardless, this unfortunate outing is destined to leave an embarrassing blemish on the legendary director’s generally stellar body of work.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for disturbing images, violence, rape, pervasive profanity, ethnic slurs and sexual references.
In English and French with subtitles.
Running time: 90 minutes
Studio: Magnolia Home Entertainment
DVD Extras: Refugee interviews, photo gallery and a “Behind-the-Scenes” featurette.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Egotistical Talk-Show Host Humbled at Crass Family Reunion

Dr. RJ Stevens (Martin Lawrence) is on top of the world. Not only does he have millions of adoring fans as the host of a popular TV talk show, but the egotistical self-help guru has also just published a new book, “The Team of Me,” in which he shares his “winning by any means necessary” philosophy.
It’s no surprise, then, that success has gone to his head, given that he has money to burn, and is engaged to the beautiful, but equally-insufferable Bianca (Joy Bryant), a recent winner of the television reality-series Survivor. Now, the shallow superstar is about to be cut down to size when he leaves his lavish, Hollywood lifestyle to visit his rural hometown of Dry Springs, Georgia for the first time in nine years.
The occasion is a family reunion revolving around a celebration of his parents’ (James Earl Jones and Margaret Avery) 50th anniversary. RJ boards the plane, accompanied by his 10 year-old son, Jamaal (Damani Roberts), his, spoiled-rotten fiancée and her lap dog, Fifi, determined to show his relatives that he’s no longer the wimpy loser who never got any respect as a kid.
Before they even arrive, however, we get a clue that the bulk of the jokes in this fish-out-of-water comedy will come at the expense of this returning Prodigal Son, when Bianca’s precious, pampered Pomeranian spills beet juice all over his lap. In fact, this is just the first of several indignities he suffers on account of critters, for RJ also meets his match during eventual encounters with a skunk, a snake and Bucky, a big mutt in heat. Unfortunately, as flat as the animal slapstick falls, those exchanges are still more amusing than any between our humbled hero and members of his dysfunctional family.
For RJ, whose understandably changed his name from Roscoe Steven Jenkins, Jr., out of embarrassment. He hails from an African-American version of Southern white trash, a motley crew of backwards rubes who don’t take kindly to their kin’s recently-acquired, high-falutin’ airs.
There’s pea-brained brother Otis (Michael Clarke Duncan) and slutty sister, Betty (Mo’nique), who boasts about being “too much woman for one man” while pursuing her interest in committing incest. And we have cousin Clyde (Cedric the Entertainer), a womanizer who got all the girls, including the heart of RJ’s childhood crush, Lucinda (Nicole Ari Parker), and another cousin, Reggie (Mike Epps), who crudely propositions Bianca with disgusting pickup lines like, “I’ll drink your bathwater.”
These characters, played mostly by comedians, seem to be taking turns doing their expletive and N-word laced standup acts. This pathetic picture’s brand of humor trades in tiresome, mean-spirited and self-loathing jokes about Forest Whitaker’s wandering eye, Minister Farrakhan and eating pork, good hair versus bad hair, and light skin versus dark skin.
Brace yourself for such lowbrow sight gags as shaving initials into pubic hair, sado-masochistic sex and dogs mating. If lines like, “I’m gonna slap the black off you,” “Faster than a runaway slave,” “Heifer, I’m gonna cut you up,” and “B*tch ain’t got no class!” make you laugh, then Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins might be right up your alley.
Not even a soulful soliloquy before the closing credits about the importance of family could undo the damage already done by this otherwise impressively pointless minstrel show.

Fair (1 star)
Rated PG-13 for profanity, ethnic slurs, crude humor, sexual content and drug references.
Running time: 114 minutes
Studio: Universal Pictures

Atonement

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Ambitious Adaptation of Romance Novel Ultimately Unsatisfying

How many times have you heard yourself say that the book was better? Well, be prepared to add this historical drama to that long list of disappointing screen adaptations. Based on Ian McEwan’s critically-acclaimed romance novel of the same name, Atonement is an overly-ambitious adaptation which takes license with conventional, linear storytelling by periodically repeating scenes from slightly different perspectives.
This implausible flight of fancy was directed by Joe Wright (Pride & Prejudice) who earns higher marks here for crafting a vibrant and visually-stimulating spectacle than for his picture’s ultimately unsatisfying underlying plotline. Stripped of its cinematic pretensions and period costumes, the film is essentially a very eventful tale of unrequited love. It all revolves around an improbable, incestuous love triangle which tears two sisters apart, ruins a promising young man’s future, and leaves the vengeful, odd-girl out wracked with guilt for the rest of her days.
Set on the sprawling country estate of the Tallis family, this generation-spanning saga opens in England in 1935. There, we find our protagonist, 13 year-old Briony (Saoirse Ronan) staging her own plays with the help of her relatives. She also devotes considerable time to spying on her big sister Cecilia’s (Keira Knightley) flirtations with their housekeeper’s handsome son, Robbie (James McAvoy).
Cecilia and Robbie, both students at Cambridge, have recently returned home for summer vacation. Although too young to turn his head, the sexually-awakening Briony has a crush on Robbie, too. But because he only has eyes for her sibling, the frustrated voyeur begins to misread the macho object of her affection as a carnal, out of control pervert.
This tendency turns tragic the night she comes upon her Cousin Lola (Juno Temple) being raped by a stranger on the grounds outside the mansion. Based on Briony’s eyewitness testimony, however, Robbie is unfairly convicted of the crime and is carted off to prison.
Fast forward a few years. World War II has broken out. Ex-con Robbie has enlisted in the British Army and is participating in the evacuation of Dunkirk. Cecilia and Briony are both nurses back in London, though they no longer speak to each other. The former still pines for Robbie while the latter is now saddled with overwhelming regret about having fingered an innocent man.
But in lieu of righting the wrong, Briony, an aspiring writer, takes to chronicling the course of Cecilia and Robbie’s undying love relationship in a novel called Atonement, a task which takes sixty years to complete. On her death bed, Briony (as portrayed by Vanessa Redgrave) pulls a rabbit out of her hat which conveniently fills in all the pieces of the puzzle. However, that unfair turn of events renders almost meaningless most of what you’ve just emotionally invested a couple of hours.
What’s it all about, Briony?

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for profanity, sexuality and disturbing war images.
Running time: 116 minutes
Studio: Focus Features

Untraceable

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: FBI Agent Tracks Brazen Cyber Killer in Grisly, Cat-and-Mouse Thriller

FBI Agent Jennifer Marsh (Diane Lane) is a widow living in Portland, Oregon who always finds herself apologizing to her eight year-old daughter, Annie (Perla Haney-Jardine), for putting her law enforcement career before family. Fortunately, Grandma Stella (Mary Beth Hurt) is more than willing to pick up the slack, and spends evenings with Annie while her mom is working overtime.
Grannie comes in handy when Jen and her partner, Griffin (Colin Hanks), are asked to track down the creep who executed a cat on a website called KillWithMe.com. The problem is that the sicko is extremely internet savvy, and knows how to prevent the cops from determining his IP address. In addition, every time the authorities attempt to shut down his site, he has it back up and running in a matter of moments.
Worse, it isn’t long before this sadist escalates to humans. Promising that the more people watch, the faster he will die, the next broadcast airs the slow death of a man tied to a rack with the words “KILL WITH ME” carved right into his chest.
This development has the investigating team wondering whether the murder is real or might merely be staged. That question is soon answered when the corpse of Herbert Miller (Tim de Zarn) turns up, and his grieving widow tearfully explains that her husband was no kinky sex freak, but a hockey fan who had been lured to the torture chamber by a classified ad offering playoff tickets for sale.
With each ensuing victim, the website’s ratings soar, as more and more viewers tune-in. So, unfolds Untraceable, a compelling, cat-and-mouse caper directed by Gregory Hoblit. Regrettably, as happened with Hoblit’s previous picture (Fracture), this psychological thriller’s well-earned tension is ultimately undone by a practically comical set of improbable developments during the denouement.
Furthermore, praiseworthy acting performances by a capable ensemble headed by Diane Lane and Colin Hanks are all squandered in service of a hypocritical morality play. Is it really ethical for a film to warn of the irresistible appeal of online snuff films while it simultaneously indulges, practically pornographically, in graphic displays of the same sort of kinky perversion?
Unwatchable.

Fair (1 star)
Rated PG-13 for profanity, torture and grisly violence.
Running time: 100 minutes
Studio: Screen Gems

Sex and Breakfast DVD

DVD Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Macaulay Culkin Home but Never Alone in Group Sex Saga

The first question you have to ask yourself before watching this film is whether you want to see a grown Macaulay Culkin cavorting about in a kinky drama devoted to couples experimenting with group sex. For most of us, Macaulay will forever be associated with the role which skyrocketed him to fame, playing Kevin McAllister, the precocious kid who managed to outsmart a gang of bumbling burglars in Home Alone 1 & 2.
Today, the former child star still has the cute baby face, almost as if it was frozen in a case of arrested development. This makes it very difficult to buy into the premise of Sex and Breakfast, a romance drama revolving around two couples who decide to swap partners.
Even though James (Culkin) is hopelessly in love with free-spirited Heather (Alexis Dziena) he goes along with their psychoanalyst’s (Joanna Miles) suggestion that they need to spice up their stale relationship by sleeping with strangers. And wouldn’t you know it, Dr. Wellbridge just happens to have another young couple also in need of swap therapy.
It doesn’t seem to matter that those clients, Ellis (Kuno Becker) and Renee (Eliza Dushku), suffer from a different sort of sexual malady, since she is curious about lesbianism and admits to being attracted to Betty (Jaime Ray Newman), her favorite waitress at the local diner. The shrink’s dubious professional diagnosis still calls for Renee to have a roll in the hay with James while Ellis sleeps with Heather.
Don’t be duped by the steamy-sounding premise, for this dud manages to turn the prospect of swinging into a dull and decidedly antiseptic affair.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for sexuality and profanity.
Running time: 105 minutes
Studio: First Look Home Entertainment
DVD Extras: Previews.